My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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