I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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