My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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