Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
