You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
