I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
