Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
