From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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