New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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