i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
