Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
