someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
