There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
