She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she peed on how many people?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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