genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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