I think i peed on brittanys purse
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
