That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
