I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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