she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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