hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
sarcasm needs its own font
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
