Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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