your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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