I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
