I just cut my nipple shaving
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
