if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
