I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
