Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
