I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
