my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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