you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
