My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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