How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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