apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
