My sheets look like a crime scene.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
