Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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