I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All the doctor said was why
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
