I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
only if we run a train.
done.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
