you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
