I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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