I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
