Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
