Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
