Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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