my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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