I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
