god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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