She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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