I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
