Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
