Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
