I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
