Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize