god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i would punch a child for taco bell
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
