I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
