life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
