i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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