i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
