you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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